In high spirits!

                                                In high spirits!

Over two years! Yet there was nothing. Feeling low had slowly crept in, God knows when and wouldn’t leave. Like a guest who overstays, it had made its home, slowly taking up more and more room, till it occupied the whole of me.

I used to be a peppy person, that’s what they said. My work went off well, colleagues recognised me from afar, flinging cheery hellos! And the boss would bare his fangs only once in a while, when he wasn’t throwing me, not- so- white- grins.

I had a loving family. Gifts on birthdays, Diwali, and Christmas, you get what I mean. Life was good… then. Till the malicious, dark headed serpent raised its ugly head, right in my bosom. Till 4pm on Monday, some time in July… no August… no… how does it matter? It’s like till one moment I was the jolly good fellow and the next instant I was, boom …. this person feeling low!

I never knew anxiety or panic attacks. But there it was staring me in the face. I didn’t know how to react… I felt like screaming… but what would I say? There was a lump in my throat, and it wouldn’t let me breathe, I was gasping for breath… I, who have done pranayama for years, for hours and can take just 4 breaths a minute.

Well, I would have to tell his Excellency, the high and mighty sovereign of the house… my husband. I dreaded, the joke he would crack at my expense. To his credit, all he said was, ‘go make some tea,’ as he continued to wave his brush, on the canvas coming to life under his masterful strokes.

The tea magically diverted my mind, as did my favourite chocolate biscuits… a whole packet of which disappeared as a peaceful offering to this stealthy serpent, called panic attack.

Sleep eluded me and logic deluded me. I found myself going from room to room, walking like a zombie, trying to come to grips with what was happening. As my spouse snored, softly, tucked in bed, with not a care in the world, I trudged around the house, hunting for some peace, and quietening of my mind. Just like Tom looking for Jerry. I wish I could smile about it.

I finally dropped asleep; God knows when… I could hear the strays yelping and howling in the streets but focused on the silence in the house.

Then it was day 2, followed by day 3. Slowly I stopped counting. I dreaded the fact that I would be anxious, that I would not be able to sleep, that I would not remember names of people or things that lurked just below the surface.

The lows were just getting to me. Where did that high spirited girl, I mean woman, go? Well, it was time for action… I called super woman! Yeah, Doctor Fixit! One call and things were sorted out.

Here’s what she said:

“You are not the only one, it happened to me too. (Really, to this calm and composed Doc?) What activities have you been doing? None? None??? You have been a runner, a practitioner of Yoga, a well-loved teacher… please make a schedule to workout. Pronto! And what about your supplements?

No? No multivitamins or sunshine? You shock me lady… Please do go for a half an hour’s walk in the sun every day. Listen to your favourite music and restore your faith and belief.

A universe where each and every single cell has been designed to be sustainable, you most definitely need to believe you are taken care of too!”

That sure made sense… and I realised that the lurking serpent, went to a corner, leaving me room to bring back a little of my own self.

Next morning, I pulled on my running shoes and off I went running in the darkness, pre-dawn. As the sun rose in its timeless glory I could see my running buddies and together we went for an easy run. The eastern sky was emblazoned a riot of colours, heralding hope on the wings of a new day. How good the chilled morning breeze felt on my flushed face! The laughter and the chatter completely occupied the space around us and inside me.

With high spirits I entered home. I had slayed the demon after all!